Curious Questions, Priceless Answers: My Remarkable Mom at 71

A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with an idea – a feeling really. I wanted to ask my parents questions about themselves, their upbringing, what they were like before they met each other, had me, any regrets they had, fears, their favourite childhood memory. Things that, honestly, I haven’t asked before in much detail. At forty years old, I know my parents as…well…my parents (and the most loving and devoted grandparents).

Naturally, I know where they come from, their family history, their personalities, interests, hobbies, friends. And we spend a lot of time together with my sister’s family too – all the cousins/grandkids are incredibly close. My parents (Dad especially) call at least five times a day to check up on everyone (we’ve tried to tell them not much changes from hour to hour but they just can’t help themselves). When we get together or talk on the phone, conversations are usually on the light side (unless I’m seeking advice about our pre-teen daughter) or logistics-focused (babysitting, Shabbat dinner plans, carpool…maybe you can relate).

I’ve always been pretty independent (fiercely, my mom might say) and I suppose I didn’t often ask for advice or get into touchy/feely stuff as a kid, teenager, or young adult (I was prickly at 16 for sure). I had a close group of friends, but with my family, honestly, I think I had my guard up a lot. (Okay mom…I admit it). I suppose I’m feeling now about my parents what I felt a few years ago about girlfriends. I am craving a deeper connection, especially as they both have hit 70 now, and each of them faces their own health challenges.

Immediately the next morning I did what most would do. I Googled “questions to ask your parents.” And since Google likes to finish our sentences, you can probably guess how this one ended. HINT: before they ____. Despite the somewhat dark mood Google’s algorithm suggested, I clicked away on a bunch of suggested articles and blogs. Before I knew it, I had copied and pasted over a hundred questions and sent them to my parents. I was on a mission. I didn’t expect them to answer all of them (at least not all at once) but I was hoping they would start somewhere. Truth be told, I suspected my mom would quite enjoy taking a trip down memory lane – I’m still in awe of the detail she shared in the two beautiful blogs she wrote about her mom and dad who passed away over 32 years ago when she was younger than I am now. My dad? Well, he likes to make a joke out of most things but if jokes are what I got back, they would be better than nothing.

Less than 24 hours later, my mom’s answers started trickling in. I started reading…and immediately the tears started flowing. It didn’t help that I was exhausted and in terrible pain from a sinus infection…I was a puddle waiting to happen. Her heartwarming, honest, sometimes bittersweet, and often comical words went straight to my connection-craving soul. If you’ve read my mom’s writing, you know she has a way with words – and her sense of humour is sharp. Reading about my mom – as a young woman, a young new mother, a wife, a professional – it just brought up emotions waiting to be unleashed. Umm…is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?! Anyway…

Today, my hard-working (she still teaches!), funny, wise, thoughtful, loving, amazing mom turns 71. With her permission I’m sharing a few of her life musings – surely there’s a lesson for us all. And if you want to wish her a happy birthday, I’ll share all your messages with her. She has developed bonds with so many of my friends over the years and she would love to hear from you!

What do you miss most about the ‘old days’?

I miss much of the simplicity of life. People and families spent time talking with one another, listening, quizzing. It’s so important for kids especially to be able to ask questions in a safe environment without being concerned they were asking “stupid” questions. I was taught there are no stupid questions. I miss that our language is often guarded…in some ways that’s a good thing, but in many cases, it’s plain silly. I miss the days when I wasn’t so dependent on my own iPhone and iPad. The other day I was told by a sleep doctor that reading on your iPad before going to bed or in bed can impede your sleep. Great. Just great!

I also miss my parents terribly. My mom would have made me warm milk and my dad would have read “Tales of the old town Clock.” Of course, they would have been super kvelling over their great-grandkids’ funny, clever, and meaningful exploits.

Is there a moment or event that radically changed the way you saw the world?

There was probably more than one, during the 60’s/70’s there were all kinds of changes re: women, human rights, and race relations. I do recall that our family talked about the fact that in the States blacks didn’t have the same rights as the white population in both the southern and northern States. We discussed how proud we were of the State of Israel having to fend for themselves amid enemy nations out to destroy them. So my worldview broadened thankfully.

What family tradition do you cherish the most?

Shabbat dinner. I, having had no Hebrew education but growing up to be a very proud Jew, enjoy listening to my grandkids recite the evening blessings so clearly and beautifully. That touches my heart in a most profound way.

Growing up, who inspired you the most?

My mom. She had a very sophisticated sense of style…and though she had limited funds, she had great taste. As we can attest to, there are some out there with oodles of cash and dress crass, so though it can help to have some extra moola, if you don’t have an evolved sense of style, it’s more difficult to look fashionable. And she was very fussy about how we “presented” when we went forth in the world.

My mom inspired me to care about those less fortunate, and we became involved with her at various charitable functions. She often organized events at our school, where she played a major role in getting donations for those in need and had her band of faithful assistants, including Karen and me. She also insisted when I failed my first driving test that I “get back on the horse” and try again. So reluctantly I did. My dad was not-so-secretly happy that I failed. He truly dreaded the thought of me behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

What’s something you always wanted to do but didn’t ― and why didn’t you?

I really wanted to be a famous and prolific writer, but clearly didn’t put the effort and planning into such a high-minded endeavour. (Mom, it’s never too late!)

What’s your favourite photo of yourself?

I’d have to see them, but at this stage of my life, it would definitely include my very favourite people –  my grandkids.

There is also a black and white picture Dad took when we were dating of me at a park. (I will find it and show you).

Was there something your parents did when you were a kid that you swore you’d never do yourself?

I said I wouldn’t closely monitor the apparel worn by my own kids as my fashion-conscious mom did. I lied.

What advice would you give to your younger self at age 20? 30? 40?

Enjoy every minute. Treasure all your memories. Love your family and worry about them if you must, even when they think that you’re way too obsessed with them. That’s just the way it is.

What is your biggest regret? 

I honestly feel I missed a lot by working when my kids were young. Those are important and very impressive years for youngsters.

What’s the one song or album that means the most to you?

I just love “Somewhere over the Rainbow” 🌈 and no one sings it like Judy Garland. Though I shamelessly still don’t know all the lyrics, the tune moves me to tears and memories. I really hope all my kids and grandkids appreciate that music as I do.

Is the present year anything like you imagined it would be when you were growing up?

To be honest, I don’t think I thought much about growing old.  I somehow imagined I’d be forever young.

*****

Mom, happy 71st birthday. You are always forever young to us. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly. I love you and appreciate everything you do for us. I have already learned so much from you and I love that the learning never stops. Me and Elissa are truly the luckiest. Xoxo

Oh, and my dad’s answers have started trickling in too…perhaps another blog in the making. Spoiler alert: I got more than jokes…some great nuggets, in fact.

5 Life Lessons from Nature…Steep Icy Climbs and All

 

Ahhh…after a packed winter with a full work schedule, some health challenges (I’m feeling much better now), and far too many hockey rink visits to count (and definitely too many carpool texts to tally), my long-awaited weekend up north finally arrived. On Thursday night after work, I packed a bag (I use “packed” loosely…some cozy clothes made their way into an oversized purse) and drove two hours north of Toronto to a picturesque resort called Deerhurst, in Huntsville, Ontario.

I had actually never stayed there before (shocking, I know, for some of my fellow Torontonians). And some may wonder what is appealing about northern Ontario in March. Well, call me crazy, but you can keep your Miami and Vegas weekends…you can even keep Nashville. Trendy doesn’t tempt me and I’m not even a foodie.  This low-maintenance, Canada-loving, cottage-coveting girl is more than content with a fireplace, some fresh air, and some peace and quiet. All without having to stamp my passport.

My getaway was three nights in total – one night alone, two with a girlfriend. On Friday I enjoyed a peaceful solo hike. Part-way through, I noticed some similarities between my trek in the frozen woods and this thing we call life. It was a Forrest-Gump-Box-of-Chocolates moment. Okay…maybe not Oscar worthy, but stay with me.

So, what insights exactly did my one-hour chilly adventure divulge? Read on and follow my footsteps..

#1: Sometimes it’s okay to follow the path taken. 

There were plenty of footsteps on the path, so I knew others had walked before me. 

In our day-to day-lives, sometimes we just want some assurance, a soft place to land ….we don’t want to take too much of a risk. Sort of like my trip to Huntsville. I didn’t want to board a plane, I didn’t want to be far from home. I needed to be far enough away to get a real break, yet not too far to add any stress (can you say flight delays?)

I think the trick is to determine when to play it safe and when to go all in. So…umm…if you figure that one out, give me a call. 

#2: Other times, we need to blaze the trail. 

There were parts of the trail that branched off in multiple directions. At one point, I veered slightly off the path, intentionally, just to see where I’d end up; within minutes, I saw markers signalling I was back on one of the trails. [Insert woman breathing a sigh of relief that she didn’t meet any hungry bears]. This is just a tiny example of taking the road – or trail – less travelled. I’m sure we all can conjure up times when we did (or wished we had) taken a chance. 

About six months ago, my good friend Jodi Kovitz, Founder and CEO of #MoveTheDial, invited me to freelance write for her. #MoveTheDial is a movement dedicated to increasing the participation and advancement of women in technology. I could have easily turned down the opportunity, and rationalized my decision with I’m-not-a-techie-what-business-do-I-have-writing-about-tech self-talk. But I didn’t. I took the leap and strutted my writing skills. With four published blogs under my belt, a fifth one is coming out later this week featuring a Dragons’ Den participant and entrepreneur! Imagine if I had said no just because I was scared!? And you know what? If I tried it and didn’t enjoy it, there would be another path (bear-free please) to explore. 

 

#3: Friends and family – like trees – are there for support. 

From the first step, I could see the trail was very icy, so I knew I’d rely on the birches and maples towering over me for support. Each move I made, I reached for the closest tall friend for balance and stability. In our lives, it’s a different type of support we typically need – the emotional kind. 

I fully admit, I sometimes keep my challenges to myself, thinking I can handle them. But letting people in – and allowing them to help – always yields a better result. Case in point: this weekend. My friend and I not only relaxed by the fire, but we spent time sharing and brainstorming ideas around challenges related work, health, and relationships. Whether those closest to us offer new ideas and perspectives, a shoulder to lean (or cry) on, a listening ear, or all of the above, the more we let someone in, the stronger our bond and connection is.

And relationships, like trees, are best when they have deep roots, right?

#4: Challenges, like icy patches, sometimes need creative thinking. 

Each time I approached a really icy patch, I had a choice: try to climb up or down it directly, or walk around it. The first choice would have likely landed me in the hospital with a broken ankle; so, not having a thing for a emergency rooms, I chose the second, not without its own set of challenges, mind you.  Twigs, stumps, and fallen branches (ahem…mini challenges), were plentiful.

Ultimately, I triumphed over the icy patches by finding a better way. Right now, my 11-year-old daughter has a big, giant icy hill to climb (middle school stuff) and we’re doing our best to help her forge through and persevere. I know she will (my mom says so!) – even if she trips over a few twigs along the way. And you know what, even if she does break her middle-schooler ankle today, she’ll be stronger for it in the long run. 

 

#5: Savour the moment.

When I reached the lookout point at the end of the trail, I had to remind myself to take it in, like Rick Hanson teaches us in Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence. I did take a picture (see below), but I also tried to take a photo in my mind. I spent a few minutes looking out on the frozen, snow-covered lake, taking in its curves and soft edges. I did this a few years ago when I had the perfect view of Toronto’s skyline from Centre Island. Honestly, the picture is still in my mind. I definitely need to do this more – and not just when I hike up a frozen trail or take a boat somewhere.

Unfortunately (and the reason, quite frankly, I was craving a getaway in the first place), our lives are so go-go-go, it’s easy to forget to enjoy our lives. And even to celebrate our successes. I know this happens in the work environment – one project wraps up, another begins, with very little time (if any) for celebration. Been there, done that (managers, take note!) Perhaps we can’t have as much control over what happens at work, but wherever possible, we should celebrate what we’ve achieved, where we’ve been, and where we’re going.

Starting now…this is my 57th blog! Yah…I’m kind of a big deal 🙂

 

So, whether I was looking for leaves or lessons that day, I came down that hill with both. In one way it was a break from the world to stimulate my senses. In another, it was all about stimulating my mind. The best 2-for-1 deal out there if you ask me. Oh, and if a woman slips gracefully in the icy woods but no one’s there to see it, did it really happen?

Until next time….

xo